The One to Make him Smile
by happycabbage
Summary: It is a known fact that Severus Snape never smiles. After finally beating Voldemort, Harry makes it his life's mission to get the Potions Master to smile. HPSS NonHBP, ADOPTION OPPORTUNITIES, SEE PROFILE FOR DETAILS
1. Back Home

Author's Note: Gay relationships, language, some suggestive stuff, and violence, though not as much of that angsty stuff in this one. But this one does have a lot of totally retarded stuff in it to make you laugh, that I can guarentee!

Disclaimer: (sob) Stop torturing me with this already! It's not mine, I get it! You don't have to rub my nose in it! The chapter title comes from a Yellowcard song.

I keep looking for Harry Potter fanfics set after he finally kicks Voldemorts ass, but they are all so morbid! Harry dies, Harry goes mad, Harry disappears into the Muggle world, Harry just plain disappears, Harry kills everyone, Harry turns evil, Harry lives but everyone else dies, Harry fails, Harry is turned into a Squib, Harry is crippled, Harry loses his memory…Did I forget anything?…Didn't think so. So I decided we need a nice happy after-the-Dark-Lord's-downfall fic on here. So here! A happy Harry Potter fic in the midst of my usual angsty ones. Have fun!

This is AU after Order of the Phoenix

Author's Note Mark 2: I was never really happy with the way this fic was turning out. Carefully plotted and planed out pranks are not my strong point; my humour is more subtlety and sarcasm. So it was incredibly difficult for me to come up with humourous material that wasn't really stupid. But I finally got an overall story plan! Yippee! Since I was so unhappy with what I had, I rewrote the first two chapters as well, to make them fit in better as well as to refresh the story in peoples minds. Also thanks so much to confusedcowuk, who helped me come up with some ideas for better pranks. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost contact with you, and I can't find you anywhere! So if you're reading this, I didn't forget you, I just…kinda…lost you…okay I'm done babbling now. On to the story!

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The One to Make Him Smile

Ch 1) Back Home

Harry smiled and leaned back in his seat. He, Ron, and Hermione were currently on the Hogwarts Express train, heading towards their seventh and final year at Hogwarts. After defeating the Dark Lord the year before, Harry was so ready to return to all the luxuries of a Voldemort-free world. Quidditch would be fun again, rather than a nervous and dangerous activity. The teams would no longer have to practice under the watchful eyes of half the staff. They could go to Hogsmeade again, since there was no longer any risk of attack. People would smile again, and the daily obituary scans would stop. In short, Hogwarts would become home again.

They had waited so long for this day. The day when life would finally return to normal. Not that anything that ever happened around Harry was ever normal. He was, after all, the Boy-Who-Lived. This year though, Harry was so tired of everyone staring at him because of Voldemort, for being a hero. This year he'd give them a better reason to stare at him.

"What are you grinning about, Harry?"

Harry looked at Hermione, silly grin still plastered all over his face. "Just contemplating my plans for this year, 'Mione." And what plans they were too. He was all set to finally release his inner Marauder.

"Plans for what? I know you don't want to be an Auror anymore, after the War and everything, so it can't be more training plans for that. Would any of those plans concern pursuing other interests than just Quiddtich? Like, oh, say, a certain Potions Master?"

Harry blushed and Ron snickered.

"Yeah, maybe," Harry muttered, sending Ron into a fit of hysterical giggles.

Through the beginning of his sixth year Harry had been given special training with Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, and several members of the Order to ready him for the final fight. For the duration of most of these training sessions, for some strange reason, Dumbledore had set Harry to work directly with Professor Snape.

Harry had no idea whatever possessed the headmaster to have them attempt to work together, especially with the disastrous Occlumency lessons from the year before. But actually they didn't turn out all that bad. Harry supposed Dumbledore must have given Snape a talking-to, because the Potions Master was a little more civil towards Harry, though he was still pretty much a bastard. The Boy-Who-Lived had, much to his surprise, found that when Snape wasn't being an overly malicious git, he actually enjoyed the Potions Master's company.

Once Harry finally understood enough about Occlumency to actually manage it, he finally found out the reason behind Snape's behavior. As it turned out, the only reason Professor Snape had been so cruel to him even during their private lessons was because he and the Headmaster had feared that Harry would inadvertantly let on to Voldemort that Snape was the spy. It was for his teachers protection.

Once he mastered Occlumency, Snape was able to safely let his mask fall away. In fact, after Voldemort had finally fallen shortly after Christmas, they had even become friends, and Harry was permitted to call Snape by his given name. But only when they were in private, and the Potions Master had made it very clear that if Harry told anyone about this, he would be running for his life, if he still valued it.

That is not to say he was any less of a git. Snape still refused to show any positive emotion, even in private. Harry still had yet to see him smile.

Harry had discovered more during his special training than just how to fight better and defeat Voldemort. He also came to many realizations about himself, and what he really wanted out of his life. After much thought, he figured out that he didn't want his destiny out of his control anymore. He was tired of doing everything everyone else's way. For example, many people expected him to become an Auror after Hogwarts. After seeing so much death during the war, that was the last thing on his mind. He'd had enough of fighting. In fact, Harry was uncertain of what exactly he wanted to do with himself.

That wasn't the only realization he had come to. After his short-lived awkward relationship with Cho and a brief experimentation with a Hufflepuff friend of Ginny's that he had gotten to know, he finally figured out he had little interest in the female populace. Not only was he gay, but he also figured out that he had a not-so-little crush on Professor Snape. At first he had kept it secret from his friends, but after they tried and failed to set him up with Ginny for the fourth time, he finally sat down with Ron, Hermione, and his other close friends and told them of his orientation. However, Ron and Hermione were the only ones who knew of his love for Severus Snape.

The thought had wierded Ron out a little at first. I mean after all, his best friend falls in love with the Greasy Git Potions Master? But now he simply found it amusing. Harry was so relieved when Ron said he was okay with it. Ron had told him that he didn't care so long as Harry was happy.

When he finally regained his ability to breathe, Ron turned to Harry and said, "Seriously, mate. You finally fulfilled your destiny and got rid of You-Know-Who. What are you going to do next?"

It was Hermione's turn to laugh as Harry replied, grinning cheekily, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

The confused expression on Ron's face just made Harry and Hermione laugh even harder. "What's Disneyland?"

"Muggle amusement park, Ron," Hermione, wiping her streaming eyes. "For their advertisements they'll stage conversations with celebrities where they walk up and say 'You've just done such-and-such, what are you going to do next?' and then the celebrity would smile and say 'I'm going to Disneyland!'"

"Oh," said Ron, and he started giggling, too. "So, what's Disneyland?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Never mind. To anwser your question, I was thinking about talking to Dumbledore to see if I could teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. I loved doing the DA, I really wouldn't mind teaching for a living." After Sirius' death at the end of his fifth year, Harry had practically thrown himself comepletely into the DA, wanting his classmates to be ready for anything. "Merlin knows I've had enough practice."

"Are you sure you really want to teach, or are you just looking for an excuse to stay at Hogwarts so you can keep an eye on your secret crush?" Hermione said cheekily.

Harry blushed again. "Hermione, will you stop that?"

"Sorry. I just don't want to see you hurt. No matter how much you may like him, he may never be able to see you in that light. Or even if he does, he's way too old for you, he may decide it's best to keep up the pupil-mentor relationship."

Harry looked down at his lap. "I know." he said softly. He looked up, smiling sadly, "But hey, a boy can dream, can't he?"

Ron groaned. "Please, let's not go into your daydreams about Snape. I'd rather not have to picture that kind of thing."

Harry blushed, but laughed it off while Hermione scolded their friend. "Ronald, get your mind out of the gutter before you get it any dirtier than it already is." Then she turned back to Harry. "What _are_ you going to do about that? Are you going to try to woo him, or just stalk him like last year?"

Ron had started giggling again at 'woo him' but the stalking bit sent him into peals of uproarous laughter again.

"Hey, that was not stalking!" Harry defended, his face now redder than the Gryffindor badge pinned to his robes, "That was admiring from afar!"

"Translation, stalking!" Ron stage-whispered to Hermione, and they both started laughing again.

"I'm not a stalker!" Harry exclaimed. "I'm a secret admirer!"

"Stalker!" Ron and Hermione said together, postively cracking up.

This argument continued back and forth for a while, only ending when it was interrupted by the entrance of Luna Lovegood, Ginny, and her (new) boyfriend, Neville Longbottom.

"Hey, guys!" Neville said cheerfully. "What was all that about stalking just now? More perverted fantasies, Ron?"

"No, you prat!" Ron said, grinning as he chucked a chocolate frog at the other boy. After the happenings at the Ministry, the six students who had been there that day had been really close. Neville had changed so much from the shy, chubby boy from their first year. He was now Harry's second-in-command in the DA, taking over for Harry when he was otherwise occupied, and one of the Beaters on the Gryffindor quiddtich team.

"So whose sick daydreams were you guys discussing then?" Luna said.

"Harry's," Ron said, sniggering.

"One more word, Ron and you will be unconscious 'till you're twenty." Harry threatened. The others laughed.

"Ooh, who is it Harry?" Ginny teased, "We all know it's gonna be a guy, but who? Maybe Seamus? Or Dean? Oh Merlin, it's not Malfoy is it?"

"HELL, NO!" Harry yelled in horror, the others laughing hysterically.

"So who is it, Harry?" said Neville, still giggling madly.

"You think I'd tell you now?" Harry said.

"Hey, we're getting near the castle now," Hermione said. "Harry, Ron, and me are already dressed, but you three ought to get changed." She pointed at Ginny, Neville, and Luna. "Right," Ginny said, pulling Neville over to the door. "See you Harry, Ron, 'Mione. Let's go, guys."

"See you at the feast!" Harry called as the door shut after them.

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Later, after the Welcome Feast, Harry managed to sneak away from the other Gryffindors when they were walking up to the tower. He waited for all the Slytherins to get into their common room before risking the dungeons. He made his way past the bare stone wall where he remembered from his second year the door to the Slytherin common room was hidden and continued on until he found a tapestry of a green and silver snake. Ducking behind it, he knocked on a section of the wall, which soon opened up to reveal Severus Snape.

"I see you chose to break curfew to come and visit, Potter," he sneered. "Perhaps I should take points to dissuade you from future nighttime wanderings?"

"Hello to you too, Severus," Harry said smiling. "And could you translate that into English, please? I'm afraid my Slytherin is a bit rusty, and I didn't quite catch all of that."

Severus smirked and moved aside to allow Harry entrance. Harry smiled again and entered the Potions Master's rooms, which, predictably, were done up mostly in green and silver, but there were splashes of other dark colors here and there, like the midnight-blue table cloth covering the dining table, and the purple throw rug in front of the fireplace. He moved across the rooms with familiartiy and, after politely waiting for Severus' consent, sat down on the couch. Severus sat down in the armchair across from Harry with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What? Only one feast and us little brats are already giving you a headache?" Harry said cheekily.

Severus cracked an eye open to glare at Harry before snorting. "Yes," the Potions Master drawled, "You miserable Gryffindors are already giving me a migraine, and we haven't even been in very close proximity yet. Job well done, that. You all must be so proud of yourselves."

Harry snorted and stood. He went over to the open cabinet on the wall and pulled out a small lavender vial. He uncorked it as he walked over to where Severus was sitting with his hand over his face and gently pushed the small bottle into the older man's hand. Severus downed it in one gulp, sighing and leaning back in the chair. "Thanks," he said softly.

"Severus? Can I ask you something?"

He grunted, and Harry continued "Why don't you ever smile?"

The Potions Master snapped his head up and glared at Harry. "You must be blind even with your glasses, Harry. I do so smile."

"No, you don't. Not around me, at any rate. I've seen you smirk, sneer, growl, glare, snarl, rage, and grin maliciously, but never have I seen you smile."

"I have had no reason to for several years now."

"Why not now, then? Voldemort's dead. You're finally free of him. And not even that can make you smile?"

They stared intently at one another until Harry finally spoke again.

"When was the last time you smiled? I mean really, actually smiled, to show your emotion? Smiled because you were happy?"

Severus looked away.

"Sev?"

Not meeting Harry's eyes, he murmured, "I can't remember."

"What?" Harry yelped, causing Severus to look up. Their eyes met. "I can't remember the last time I truly smiled, Harry. I don't think I even remember how."

"Try," Harry said abruptly, "Try right now."

Severus snorted softly, but stopped at the almost pleading expression on Harry's face. "Please, Severus," Harry whispered, "Try. For me. Please try."

Severus frowned, and Harry suddenly laughed. "That's no good, Sev. You're upside down. You need to try it the other way."

Severus sighed. "Harry, stop. This is stupid. I haven't had any reason to smile for a long time, and I have no reason to do so now. I'm not going to."

Harry grinned wickedly. "Want to place a bet on that, Sev? I believe that by the end of this school year I can get you to smile at least once."

Severus smirked. Here was one bet he could not lose. It was a known fact that he was incapable of smiling. Nothing would change that.

"Alright, Potter. If I win, then you have to test potions for me for the rest of the year. And they won't be the happy kind of potions, either. If I don't smile, neither will you."

Harry smirked right back. "Fine, but when I win, you have to yell that Gryffindor is better than Slytherin in the middle of the Great Hall at the top of your lungs at the Leaving Feast."

"Fine by me. It's not like I'm going to lose anyways." Severus held out his hand, and Harry took it, grinning wickedly.

Harry looked at him and wondered how he was going to handle what Harry had planned for his last year at Hogwarts. Then he smiled. He would succeed, he promised himself.

"May I ask why this smiling business is so important to you?" Severus asked as Harry got up to leave.

Harry grinned from the doorway.

"It's simple, really. I want to see you smile. And I want to be the one to make you do it."

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End Chapter One

So there you go! The new and improved first chapter of The One to Make Him Smile.


	2. Can't Touch This!

Author's Note: (snort giggle) I love this story! It's one of the few non-angsty one I ever post and it's so much fun to picture all this stuff happening! You know my general drill by now: language, yaoi, and possibly some violence.

Disclaimer: Still not mine….meh…belongs to our Lord and Master – or should I say Lady and Mistress – the great JKRowling. I dunno who did that one song Can't Touch This, but I stole that song for this chapter's title. It seemed to fit!

Yes, I realize that the Hogwarts students have a uniform that they wear to class, but I loved the idea for this chapter too much to let it die, so let's just pretend that as a school treat after Voldemort died, they took away the dress code.

Author's Note Mark 2: I was never really happy with the way this fic was turning out. Carefully plotted and planed out pranks are not my strong point; my humour is more subtlety and sarcasm. So it was incredibly difficult for me to come up with humourous material that wasn't really stupid. Since I was so unhappy with what I had, I rewrote the first two chapters as well, to make them fit in better as well as to refresh the story in peoples minds.

Okay here is chapter two! Expect silliness, randomness, and a lot of totally retarded stuff…

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Ch 2) Can't Touch This!

It was common knowledge that Draco Malfoy was a spoiled rotten brat. Really, everybody knows. Not knowing about how filthy rich Malfoy is is like not knowing about about the Potions Master's Smile Handicap. Everyone just knows. End of story.

So really, the stupid prat had it coming to him.

It started, actually, the day before. Draco hadn't just gotten his usual delivery of sweets and presents from home, he got some new robes. The very latest style of robes. The very extravagent, very expensive, very _Malfoy_ robes. So of course, he had to gloat.

And sure it was only the second week of school, but Harry couldn't resist. The opportunity was a one-time-only offer, waaaay too good to miss.

When Malfoy strutted into the Great Hall the next morning in his brand new designer clothes, he really _did_ look good. Even Harry had to admit it. The Robes (yes the Robes, with a capital R) were clingy in all the right areas, stretching smoothly across his chest and drawn tight around his waist. The sleeves were the new style, flaring out slightly and ending just below the elbow, revealing Malfoy's slender white forearms. The lower body of the robes were full and sweeping, much like the favorite style of a certain Potions Master we could mention. But we won't right now, because we are describing Malfoy, and not him.

Harry watched with distaste as Malfoy strode over to the Slytherin table and sat down with his back to Harry. He saw Malfoy speak to Pansy Parkinson, who was sitting next to him, and watched as the stupid prat stood and spun slowly, showing his girlfriend his perfect outfit from every angle. She smiled horribly at Malfoy and started simpering. Okay, maybe Harry couldn't hear it, but simpering was really the only thing Parkinson was any good at.

Just then Harry was struck with an intriguing thought. Here was the perfect oppurtunity to begin his "evil plans." Quickly, over breakfast, he started plotting. Malfoy was sure to continue flouncing around showing off his new Robes as yet another symbol of his power and prestige. Luckily for his "plans", Malfoy's ego played right into Harry's hands. It'd get even better when Draco went to Double-Potions later that day. For the first time, Harry was glad they had Double-Potions with the Slytherins. It meant he got to see all the fireworks.

Harry had finished eating, but he stayed in the Great Hall under the pretence of waiting for Ron. Even though it meant he'd probably be late to Herbology. Really though, he was simply waiting for his chance. And here it was!

Malfoy got up and as usual made a show of getting over to the door. Harry fidgeted for a minute. Ron wasn't done yet! This was too perfect – he couldn't pass up this chance. "Ron, I'll see you in class," he said, standing up.

Ron looked up in surprise. "I thought you were going to wait for me!"

"Yeah, sorry. I just remembered, I left something in the common room. I'll catch up later, okay?"

"Oh, alright, then," Ron said, turning his attention back to his eggs.

Harry practically jumped from his seat and hurried out the door that Malfoy had just exited. Looking both ways down the corridor outside the Great Hall, Harry just noticed Malfoy turning the corner and ran down to that end. Peeking around the corner he saw Malfoy walking swiftly down the hall. Taking careful aim with his wand, Harry muttered the spell under his breath. A silent jet of bright pink light flew over to Malfoy and was absorbed into the back of his robes. He never even noticed. Harry dissolved into a fit of barely contained giggles as he beheld his success.

Oh yes, today would definitely be good.

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Draco fidgeted in his seat. Normally he liked Charms. It was the perfect chance to terrorize his fellow classmates while the teacher was under the impression he simply had messed up whichever charm they were working on. But today this class was simply making him nervous.

_He_ thought the new Robes would make him look even more impressive and important than usual. _He_ thought that they would make the girls sigh dreamily and the guys glare at him with jealousy. What he didn't expect, when Pansy asked him to stand up so everyone could see his robes (even though she'd already had him do the exact same thing at breakfast), was for the whole class to break out in giggles. Not even the trademark Slytherin glare worked to shut them up. Feeling slightly unnerved, he sat back down next to his girlfriend.

"What's so funny?" He asked Pansy.

"Nothing!" she gasped, obviously trying to keep from laughing as well. Draco narrowed his eyes at her and opened his mouth to say more, but just then Flitwick started calling the roll.

The giggles and smirks directed at him continued for the rest of the class period. Anxiously, Draco waited for the class to end. He'd never felt more uncomfortable in his life. People stared at him a lot already, because of his money and (insert classic Malfoy smirk here) good looks. But this sort of attention was, pardon my Muggle wording, totally freaking him out.

When finally the class ended, he bolted out of the classroom, not even waiting for Pansy to get her things together.

To his horror, the giggles and pointing continued in the corridor. In fact they got worse! Just when Draco was starting to panic, he heard a voice call out, "Nice robes, Malfoy!" and everyone around him started snickering anew.

He whirled around, glaring wildly at the groups of students walking behind him, searching for the culprit. He was slightly panicked now, and hurried to his next class as fast as he could without running. No matter how panicked he was, he was a Malfoy, and Malfoy's never did anything as undignified as running away from the public. It was more stylish to try and sneak away when no one was paying attention.

Poor Draco suffered through the rest of his second class, this time with the Ravenclaws. He despised Ravenclaws. They were so condescending, even to him. _It's not like they're all that much smarter anyway,_ he thought, trying to ignore the sniggering behind him. In an effort to not acknowlege the unwanted attention, Draco actually found himself paying close attention to Professor Binns' lecture. Today's topic: house-elfs and how they came to serve Wizards. Yawn.

By the time History of Magic ended, Draco couldn't bring himself to turn up for lunch, instead choosing to hide in the Potions Classroom. His next class was Double-Potions. Whatever was wrong with his Robes (he had been sure it was the Robes since that catcall on his way to History of Magic) he was certain no one would dare make fun of it in the domain of the Head of Slytherin House. In his panic, it never even occurred to Draco to just go and change his clothes while everyone was having lunch.

The door banged open, and Draco winced as a couple of Gryffendor girls came in. They stopped short when they noticed him, then the two looked at each other and broke out laughing.

"Hey, there Malfoy," one of the two giggled, "We heard from some of the girls in Ravenclaw that you got some new robes. They said the robes looked _reeeally_ good on you. Could you stand up so we could see them properly?"

Draco glared at them. He wouldn't, no, he couldn't let them see. Cursing his mother for ever sending those Robes to him in the first place, Draco, turned away from the Gryffendor chits and slumped down in his seat, fully aware of the rabid giggling behind him.

Other students were arriving now, and Draco slouched as low as he could, trying to be invisible. Unfortunately for him, as a Malfoy that was never easy.

BANG!

Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.

Severus Snape is in the house.

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Harry walked into the Potions classroom and scanned the dungeon quickly. When he found what he was looking for, he grinned and sat down two seats behind Malfoy.

He pulled Hermione down into the seat next to him. Her jaw was open and she was staring at Malfoy's back in surprise and amusement. "Not a word," Harry whispered in her ear. She looked over at him sharply. "Did you…?"

Harry nodded, and she smacked his arm gently. Both of them were grinning.

"Harry Potter, you are so evil!"

"Yeah," he said cheekily, "I know!"

With a bang, Professor Snape opened the door and stomped to the front of the room, taking no notice of the students as he stomped.

Harry grinned again. Here was where the fun began.

"Today, we will be brewing the Dreamless Sleep potion. It will be in your NEWTs so you'd best get it right. Now who can tell me the properties of Dreamless Sleep?"

Onyx eyes swept over Harry as Snape scanned the class for a volunteer who wasn't Hermione, and he felt his heart speed up a little, though he kept a straight face the whole time. He couldn't afford to let anything show right now. Not his feelings for the Potions Master, and nothing to indicate he had a hand in the modifications of poor Malfoy's Robes. Not that Snape had noticed them yet. But he would sooner or later.

Ignoring Hermione's hand, Snape called on the only student he ever found truly competent in Potions. "Mr. Malfoy!" And why was the rest of the class giggling madly?

He glared at the students, silencing them, though several of them continued to grin cheekily.

He went to stand next to his favorite student and started to repeat his question, but something caught his eye, stopping him in midsentence. "Mr. Malfoy, the properties of Dreamless…Mr. Malfoy, what exactly is on the back of your robes?"

Draco turned bright red as the whole class lost it. Snape seized Malfoy by the elbow and yanked him to his feet, turning the teen so he could read the back of his Robes. Snape felt the blood drain from his face, and his eyes practically popped out of his skull. The entire class was in hysterics.

And poor little Malfoy was still totally oblivious of the words I HEART PROFESSOR SNAPE! flashing first in hot pink and then neon green on the back of his Robes that Harry had put there that morning.

Snape almost lost it right then and there. But one look at Malfoy's close-to-tears face (since when did Malfoy even _have_ a close-to-tears face, he wondered) told him the poor boy had no idea why everyone was laughing at him. Leaning close to Malfoy's face, he softly whispered so no one would hear, "Draco, you're excused from the rest of class. Might I suggest you take that time to go change your Robes before dinner?" Malfoy looked at him gratefully and, gathering his stuff into his cauldron, fled the room as quickly as possible.

Snape looked around at his laughing class until he found Harry. The boy was watching him closely, his eyes dancing. Their eyes met, and while Harry's twinkled to rival the Headmaster's, Snape's narrowed. _He did it_, the Potions Master decided. _Very nice, very clever, Harry. Yes, very good. But not good enough._

Snape strode back to the front of the room and roared,"ENOUGH!" The class fell silent at the ugly look on his face. They weren't taking any chances with the Potions Master right now. "You will find the potion on page 493 of your textbooks. I want a three-foot essay on the properties of Dreamless Sleep on my desk by Friday. Now MOVE!"

They moved. Very quickly.

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Meanwhile, Draco had just locked the door to the seventh-year Slytherin boy's dormitory. He went over to his trunk and pulled out a fresh set of robes which he set out on the bed. Then he used trembling fingers to pull the Robes off. He dropped them on the floor without looking at them.

After pulling on the new robes, Draco took the Robes and held them up facing the front side towards him. He was almost scared to see what was on the back, after being ridiculed all day. Slowly, he turned them around.

"Oh. My. God."

He stared at the flashing words on the back in shock, then he started cracking up. He couldn't help it! No wonder people had been giggling at him. Whoever had pulled this was very clever, and very brave to dare prank a Malfoy. He knew exactly who it was. It could only be one person.

"POTTER! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

And yet, all the while he said this, still he could not stop laughing.

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End Chapter 2.

Gak! OMG this was getting kind of ridiculous! I like Draco as a good guy, so in most of the stories I write he's called Draco, instead of Malfoy. This chapter was so annoying, cuz this is one of the few stories I do where Draco is still the bully, and referred to by his surname. I kept having to backspace over his name to rewrite it as Malfoy, cuz I keep forgetting and putting Draco! It's been a bit annoying really. But as I have no plans to give up on this story (it's way too much fun for that!) I'd best get used to writing Draco…dammit, I mean Malfoy! MALFOY!


	3. Grow Up

IF YOU ARE WATCHING ME OR ANY OF MY STORIES, PLEASE READ!

I'm in the middle of clearing out my account. I am changing my username, and will be deleting some stories, rewriting some, and putting others up for adoption. PLEASE GO TO MY PROFILE FOR MORE DETAILS.

Author's Note: Contains language, possible violence, slash…moo…

Disclaimer: _Still_ not mine. I am still not J.. Each chapter in this story is named for a song that fits the content. In this instance, if you have the Simple Plan CD: No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls, then I suggest you stick it in your CD player and turn it to track 13 while you read this! By the way, thanks a ton to confusedcowuk, who helped come up with ideas and plan out the story's blank spaces.

Anyways, here's chapter three, after...what is it now? Nearly four years, holy shit. It's also the story that has gone the longest without being updated. Consider this a parting gift. NO I'M NOT LEAVING. Just...read the chapter, then make sure to read the author's note at the end.

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Ch 3) Grow Up

Two days after the fiasco with the Robes, Harry was already prepared to execute his next prank. He found that he was slightly disappointed in his only prank thus far, mostly because of the fact that he barely got to see any of the results himself. So for his next trick, Harry planned on doing something where he would get to see the chaos himself.

He started implementing his newest plan the moment he stepped outside Gryffindor Tower, followed closely by Ron, Hermione, and Ginny.

While the others were still talking about random nonsensical things as they walked slowly down the hallway to the stairs at the end, Harry was already at the top of the staircase, having skipped rather than walked.

His friends hadn't noticed, still engrossed in their discussion of the new DADA Professor's competence, or lack thereof. He waited for them at the top of the flight of stairs, then when they reached it, slid down the banister as the other three Gryffindors walked down the steps.

They had gone done two flights of steps and were starting on the third before his friends took notice. "Harry, mate, what are you doing?" Ron asked, mystified.

"I'm getting to the Great Hall before you!" he said with a grin, loosening his hold so he slid down faster, getting ahead of his friends.

"Harry, be careful!" Hermione called after him frantically.

Harry only grinned wickedly and hopped off neatly onto the landing at the end of that set of steps.

All at once, the next flight of stairs began to move, and as the Gryffindors watched in shock, all the sets of stairs below them began to move, twisting in midair, connecting and bending so that they formed one, long, spiral staircase all the way down the six more floors to the ground floor where the Great Hall was.

For a few moments all they could do was stare. And then simultaneously, a wicked, gleeful grin spread across Harry's face, a bemused expression appeared on Ron's, a curious one on Ginny's, and one of dread and realization came to Hermione's.

"No, Harry, don't –!" the brunette exclaimed, but it was too late. Before the words had even left her mouth, Harry had jumped onto the banister and began sliding down at a higher velocity than before, letting out a gleeful whoop as he did so.

Hermione groaned and began to run down after him while Ron and Ginny chased after, laughing.

It was something akin to riding this broom at the highest speed possible, Harry noted. He whizzed past several shocked-looking students and staff, both on the stairs and on the now-stairless landings. Every time he past another person the uproar grew, students laughing or crying out in astonishment, the odd teacher yelling after him about house points and detentions.

Approximately two floors down from where he'd started he caught just a glimpse of a shocked McGonagall standing on an abandoned landing, her mouth pinched tight as he'd ever seen it and two spots of color high on her otherwise paler than normal face, before he turned again and lost sight of her.

Another couple of meters further down, he caught a glimpse of Malfoy and some of his Slytherin lackeys heading down the steps ahead. Malfoy was trailing a hand on the railing that Harry found himself riding, but not gripping tight enough so as to provide an obstacle. Harry grinned and let out a yell at the top of his lungs. "HEY THERE, SEXY!"

Malfoy turned slightly and looked back over his shoulder just in time to see Harry whizzing down the rail just behind him. The Slytherin cried out and jerked his hand back not a moment too soon, and Harry flew past him without pausing, leaving a slight breeze in his wake.

The group of Slytherin students stood the staring after the Gryffindor sliding away from them in shock, looking over the railing to watch him spiral down to the ground floor. A few moments later, Harry's friends came running down after him, huffing and puffing.

"Harry! Be careful!" Hermione was yelling, while Ron called after his best friend to wait up.

The Slytherins' eyes all followed their classmates incredulously for a few moments before looking at their leader for instructions. Draco Malfoy stood stock still, looking down at the Gryffindors rushing down the steps. He suddenly blinked and shook his head, pushing past his housemates as he started back downstairs.

"Bloody Gryffindors," he muttered under his breath.

Further down the steps, Harry was getting closer to the end of the stairs. Just a few more floors to go, and then he would be at the ground floor, and the Great Hall. He was just contemplating if he should try slowing down so he could get off without injuring himself when he caught sight of the end of the stairs. The bottom of the grand staircase itself had shifted over so that it ended right at the entrance to the Great Hall, which was shut tight. As Harry got closer, the doors opened very suddenly just in time for the Gryffindor to fly off the end of the banister with a startled shout.

He could see the many shocked faces of the students that had already arrived at breakfast passing by on either side of him. Ahead was the staff table, where about half of the teachers were in the middle of their own breakfasts. Spoons and forks stopped halfway to open mouths, and glasses of milk and pumpkin juice overflowed when the person pouring them was shocked into stopping short to watch as the Boy-Who-Lived literally flew threw the open doors. Harry arched gracefully through the air, arms and legs flailing, then landed on his back and continued to slide forward, slowing to a stop right in front of the raised dais where the staff table was.

He lay there for a moment, regaining his breath, and waiting for the world to stop spinning so he could get up. He tried to jump to his feet, but swayed on the spot and collapsed again, triggering a series of giggles from the student body. Slowly, he pushed himself up to a sitting position. "Whoa, that was trippy…" Harry heard himself say, and the statement was quickly followed by more giggles from all sides. He found that a few pairs of feet were standing in front of him, and looked up to find Headmaster Dumbledore and Severus looking down at him. Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling madly, and Severus was scowling at him, though Harry, dizzy as he was, caught the tiniest spark of amusement in the Potions Professor's eyes.

"Did we learn something today, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore said.

"Yeah," Harry said, "That banister is cooler than any roller coaster I've ever been on in my life." More giggling from his classmates. Severus rolled his eyes and reached down, clasping Harry's arm and pulling him to his feet. Harry staggered slightly and leaned against the Slytherin for balance as he tried to regain his equilibrium.

Severus stiffened at the public physical contact, and put his hands on Harry's shoulders to hold him as far away from his body as physically possible while still keeping his younger friend upright. Harry, however was having none of it. The Gryffindor grinned lazily and purposefully swayed more, sliding forward to get closer to the Slytherin. Severus blinked and gave Harry his sternest glare and was just about to dock points when the Gryffindor cut him off.

"Aww, why so grumpy today, Professor? Do you need a hug?" Harry said with a puppy-dog grin, flinging his arms out wide in an offer.

Severus stared, his eye twitched, and just as he was about to dock even more points than he had been going to before, Harry's three friends came jogging up to them, gasping for breath. Ron was clutching a stitch in his side, and both Hermione and Ginny were red-faced and sweaty.

"Ha – Harry!" Hermione gasped out reprovingly, "That (gasp) was really (wheeze) dangerous. What (pant) if you fell (groan) over the side? !"

"But I didn't!" he said, walking over to their side with only a slight wobble and throwing his arms wide. "See? I'm fine! Oh, and Professor Dumbledore?" he swung around to face the two teachers, almost hitting Ginny in the face with a fist as he did so. "About three different teachers shouted out detentions and points being taken on the way down, so you needn't worry about punishing me. Already been taken care of." He flashed a bright cheery smile. "Enjoy your breakfast!"

And with that, Harry turned on his heel and skipped over to the Gryffindor table and plopped down in his usual seat, pulling a platter of muffins closer to his plate.

His teachers and friends stared at him for a moment, and then finally Ron threw up his hands and shook his head in amusement. "Whatever," he muttered, joining Harry at the table, followed closely by a breathlessly giggling Hermione and Ginny. Dumbledore merely chuckled and headed back up to the staff table, a scowling Severus trailing behind as he unwittingly echoed the words of his favorite blond Slytherin from earlier.

"Bloody Gryffindors."

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All stayed semi-quiet until about half-way through breakfast, when the mail arrived. A smallish grey school owl was seen carrying a familiar red envelope, and the entire hall fell silent, watching the owl with anticipation and a slight amount of fear. Who was the owl for? Every student in the hall was relieved it wasn't theirs, yet no less surprised and confused when the owl landed in front of one Harry Potter.

Harry appeared as bewildered as his classmates, staring at the Howler with trepidation.

"Who would send _you,_ of all people, a Howler?" Hermione said, appalled.

"Maybe Mum…?" Ron suggested, face pale as he stared hard at the red envelope, which was starting to smoke at the corners.

Harry shrugged. "Only one way to find out," he said, and opened it.

Sound immediately exploded out of it, and nearly every person in the hall flinched back and covered their ears. It took a moment for the shock of the sound to wear off before they realized who the speaker was, and what they were saying.

"…MOST HORRIBLY PATHETIC PRANK I COULD'VE COME UP WITH! I MEAN REALLY! JUST ALTERING HIS ROBES? IS THAT REALLY THE BEST I HAVE TO OFFER? I SHOULD'VE TAKEN THE TIME TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD, LIKE CHARMING HIS ROBES INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE BUT HIM! THAT WOULD'VE BEEN HYSTERICAL! BUT THIS? THIS WAS JUST PITIFUL! THE MARAUDERS WOULD'VE BEEN ASHAMED! THE TWINS WOULD BE APPALLED! I PROMISE TO COME UP WITH SOME BETTER, MORE ENTERTAINING PRANKS IN THE FUTURE, OR I WON'T DESERVE TO CALL MYSELF A MARAUDER'S SON!"

And with that, the envelope caught fire in midair and burnt to ashes just as the resonant echoes of Harry's voice faded. Once again, the entire Great Hall found themselves struck dumb, staring at the Boy-Who-Lived as he looked solemnly back at the lot of them. He nodded once, made a soft sound of satisfaction, and turned back to his breakfast as though nothing had ever happened.

The tense silence of the room was broken by a cry of outrage from the Slytherin table, and the whole Hall now swiveled around to stare at Draco Malfoy as he rose from his seat, positively trembling in rage. Harry silently stood as well, calm green eyes locked onto stormy silver. The Slytherin stomped across the Hall, every eye now on him, until he was right up in the Boy-Who-Lived's face.

The two rivals stared at one another, one full of wrath, the other cool and calm. Finally, Malfoy managed to speak, though his voice held a slight tremor from sheer rage. "You – I knew it was you! And you've even admitted it!" Malfoy was barely able to get the words out of his mouth because he was so angry, and yet, gleeful at the same time. Mostly angry, though.

Harry shifted his weight and leaned back, looking Malfoy up and down. He suddenly got a sympathetic expression on his face. "Aww," he said, "You're just like poor Professor Snape up there, all grumpy and upset. Maybe would _you_ like a hug?"

Malfoy blinked, then stared at Harry for a few more seconds before making a sound that was somehow halfway between a growl of frustration and annoyance and a groan of amused exasperation. He spun on his heel and stalked out of the hallway, ignoring everything around him.

"Is this just a Slytherin thing, or some kind of trend?" Harry called after his retreating form.

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Double Potions with the Slytherins, Hermione decided, really needed spicing up a little bit.

It wasn't that she disliked the class. Just…Snape's do-well-or-die teaching methods got a bit grating on the nerves after six years of class with the man. It was way too quiet, and too study oriented for her tastes. She may be well known for being a bookworm, but that didn't mean she preferred book-learning to hands-on activity work. She was allowed to have some imagination and interests besides reading too.

In any case, it looked very much like Harry was having even more issues concentrating than she was, what with all the fidgeting. He hadn't sat still all day, in fact, she was starting to worry slightly about him. He'd been acting pretty strangely all day long. Aside from the events before and during breakfast, he had been skipping all day whenever possible, rather than walking. And every single time he saw someone frowning, he would ask them for a hug. During lunch, he had actually stood outside the Great Hall holding a sign that said "Free Hugs!" on it. Being the ever-famous Boy-Who-Lived, he actually ended up with a line of people all waiting for their chance to hug the defeater of the Dark Lord.

Yeah, Harry was acting very strangely today. Speaking of which…

"Yes, Mr. Potter, what is it?" Professor Snape asked him with a bored tone.

"May I go use the lavatory?"

"Is it an emergency?"

"Yes!"

"Then no," Snape said, turning back to his lecture. "Now, as you can see, the properties of Boomslang skin are particularly effective in – _yes_, Mr. Potter what is it now?"

Harry lowered his hand back down to his desk and stared pleadingly at the Potions Master. "Professor, I _really_, really need to use the lavatory."

"I already said no, Potter! Five points from Gryffindor. Now, if I may continue," he said, glaring at Harry, "Boomslang Skin is used for appearance altering potions such as the Polyjuice Potion. It –"

"PROFESSOR – IF – I – DON'T – GO – TO – THE – LAVATORY – NOW – I'M – GOING – TO – PEE – ALL – OVER – THE – FLOOR – NOW – CAN – I – PLEASE – GO?"

"FINE! Go then, Potter! But you've cost Gryffindor an additional fifteen points!"

"THANK YOU, SIR!" Harry yelled and bolted from the classroom. Snape groaned and massaged his temples for a moment, then turned back to his lecture.

Hermione, and several other students, Gryffindor and Slytherin alike, were hard-put to suppress hysterical giggling. Noticing the stifled giggles from the other House, they quickly began glaring and/or sneering at one another again.

Several minutes later, Harry had still not returned to the classroom. Snape, Hermione noted, was beginning to cast half-concerned, half-annoyed glances at the door, but otherwise continued his lecture as normal.

More time went by, Snape finished his lecture, and they began to pull out cauldrons and ingredients and get to work on their potions. Snape cast even more glances over at the door, and Hermione too began watching the door, looking back at her potion with a contemplative frown.

Finally, after half an hour had passed, the door to the classroom opened softly, but still managed to squeal just loudly enough to garner the attention of every student in the classroom. In almost perfect unison, the seventh-years turned and looked over their shoulders. And stopped. And stared.

(squish)(squish)(squish)(squish)

"Mr. Potter!"

Harry looked up at the teacher with an innocent expression on his face. "Yes, Professor?"

Snape looked at the puddle of water growing on his floor underneath the Gryffindor. Onyx eyes moved up to hover over the waterlogged robes hanging limply to the floor. Further up the Gryffindor's body, at Harry's torso, the cloth was almost sinfully clinging to his chest. Drops of water fell from the ends of hair that was plastered to Harry's face. Snape's eyes fixed for a moment on Harry's cheek; in particular, the droplet that slid down to pool at the corner of his mouth.

Snape looked the soaking wet Harry up and down critically. He glanced around at the rest of the students. And he turned back around to face the blackboard at the head of the room.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter. I'm not even going to ask."

With a roguish grin, Harry swaggered over to his seat next to Hermione, waterlogged shoes squishing the whole way. "Well that's good, Professor, because I'm afraid I have no explanation to give," he said amiably, sitting down with a flourish.

Severus stiffened, but did not turn around and did not respond. He stared at the blackboard, chalk in hand, poised over the board ready to finish writing the instructions for their potion. He took in a deep breath, and let it out nice and sloooow, reining his emotions under control. Whether he was going to burst out laughing or explode with wrath he wasn't sure, but if Harry didn't shut up soon, then so help him, he was going to…

Severus decided he needed to take several more deep calming breaths.

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Eventually, Severus finished scribbling the instructions for the second part of the potion onto the board and took a seat at his desk with a sigh, leaning his head on one arm. He just lay there a moment, listening to the rustling of robes and scuff of shoes against stone flooring as several students shoved their way over to the supply cabinet, gathering ingredients for the other half of the two-part potion. He would have to start patrolling the classroom in a moment, but for now, he could take a few minutes while the students were occupied to have a small break.

At the rate Harry was going thus far, Severus seriously doubted Gryffindor would have any points left by the end of the day…not that Potter seemed to mind at all. Perhaps they should try switching to giving him more detentions…

_Ksh, kshksh, kshh, ksh ksh kshhh, khskhs, ksh_

The soft scuffing sound of chalk connecting with the blackboard cut into his thoughts, and Severus let out a quite growl. Occasionally one of the students would doodle something or write something crude on the teacher's chalkboard on a dare. But that rarely happened when he was at his desk, right in front of the board. Severus stood and turned around to see which student had been bold enough to try and write on his chalkboard without permission, ready to deduct points and assign detention to the miscreant. But there was no one actually there. The chalk was floating, and writing something on the board as though held by an invisible hand.

The first thing that occurred to Severus was to check and see if Harry had decided to put his invisibility cloak to use. But no, the Gryffindor was seated at his desk, dripping water on the floor and focusing on stirring the potion while Granger prepared more ingredients. He couldn't be the culprit this time.

Severus turned to face the errant chalk again, and when he noticed the condition of the board, his eyes narrowed dangerously. All of the instructions for the potion they were supposed to be working on, that he had just spent the last thirty minutes painstakingly writing on the board, were gone, the board wiped clean, save for the simple message being scrawled in large, capital letters in the middle of the board.

_REMEMBER: SMILING IS __NOT__ A CRIME!_

Severus read the words to himself as the chalk finished up, going back to underline the word 'NOT' three times. His mouth open in surprise, Severus' eyes narrowed even further. _'Oh, you've got to be joking…'_

Closing his mouth with a snap and gritting his teeth, the Slytherin head stalked up to the front of the classroom and seized the eraser. He passed it over the message and started to eliminate the offending words…and paused when it had no effect. Frowning, he rubbed harder…the words were still there. Severus let out a growl, dropping the eraser to the floor, where it let out a little puff of chalk dust.

He pulled out his wand and muttered a cleaning charm. The little stick of chalk did not seem impressed, merely continuing to draw smiley faces of varying sizes all around it's profound statement. A slight snicker from the back of the classroom made him pause, but then Severus let out a snarl and tried a different charm, his irritation growing when again nothing happened. He tried spell after spell, but each failed. The chalkboard was now quite covered with smiley faces, and judging from the growing sound of giggling teenagers behind him, he had more important things to worry about, like not letting his classroom get blown up.

Turning on his heel, Severus scanned the classroom for who the mystery writer could be. But he saw no wands out. Most of the students were watching the chalk move across the board with amused fascination, most of them not even bothering to suppress their giggles anymore.

"What are you all looking at?" he snarled. The students all jumped and cast wide-eyed looks at him. "Since the directions seem to have disappeared," the Potions Master added with a sneer, "you'll have to look them up in your textbook. This particular version of the recipe is slightly out of date, so the effects will not be quite as potent, but we'll have to make do, since our little prankster has decided to make it impossible for me to use my blackboard." The students cast uneasy glances around at each other. "Furthermore, when I find out who the culprit is, he or she will have detention from now until Christmas!" he snapped. Some of the students glared at this, many blinked back in innocent confusion, most turned back to their potions to avoid his glare…all except for Harry, who had been studiously ignoring the spectacle at the front of the classroom the entire time in favor of working on his potion.

The Potion's Master glanced back at the smile-covered board, still proudly bearing it's message: _REMEMBER: SMILING IS __NOT__ A CRIME! _then cast his gaze back on the Gryffindor. As if sensing his scrutiny, Harry looked up, flashing him a brilliant smile before giving his attention back to his potion.

'_Who else but Harry?'_ Severus mused wryly, narrowing his eyes and ignoring the way his heart sped up at the sight of his younger friend's glowing smile.

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End Chapter 3

I am truly sorry to say that this will be the last installment of this story. And even this is only half of what was planned for this chapter. I wanted to post this because I really liked what I had so far, and didn't want to just leave it. HOWEVER! I do have some good news, this story is not going to die. While I myself can no longer continue it, I will be putting it up for adoption. FOR DETAILS, PLEASE GO TO MY PROFILE.

IF YOU ARE WATCHING ME OR ANY OF MY STORIES, PLEASE READ!

I'm in the middle of clearing out my account. I am changing my username, and will be deleting some stories, rewriting some, and putting others up for adoption. PLEASE GO TO MY PROFILE FOR MORE DETAILS.


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